Mind wonderings...

Sometimes I look at my life all introspective, thinking about the how and why of who I was, who I've become, my fears, my struggles.

I don't do that much, which explains why I don't write much down here. Most of my life I'm reacting and doing what I need to do for a feeling of personal success. This business that I started in 2006 has brought me intense focus and happiness. I'm happiest when I can be focusing on something and watching it grow. I know that is why I love to grow plants and take care of my backyard, my little meditation space of peace.

This home my partner and I have built is comfortable, it feels like home. We have struggled, had arguments, disagreements, and many bonding experiences under this roof, 14 years worth between this home and our last. Love is a powerful thing and worth searching out in everything one does in life. For myself, it's spiritual- and I won't say any more on that for this post.... but back to my home. It's not "Home Beautiful" in any sense of the word. What it is- it's a place to feel safe from the crazy world out there. It's a place where we can have friends over, we meander from the living room to the patio. The patio is "the smoking room". I seem to attract smokers into my life and I'm a casual smoker of various products myself. It's a social bonding even though everyone knows the dangers in it. There is nothing better then coming home after a very long day on the road, grab a glass of wine or a martini (of the classic variety), sprawl out on my lounger on the patio, stare into the garden I work at constantly and take a long hit of nicotine. It is there that I feel my sense of who I am and what I've accomplished with my life. No one hits perfection. No one. Happiness is about accepting the imperfections and choosing to be happy.

I always get into trouble saying those words. We all struggle with issues in our lives. There are a lot of people out there who do not believe in happiness or that one can choose this feeling. I live by my reasoning because it works for me and allows me to enjoy life. I focus on positive and believe in things working out. I believe in the powers of thought.

I don't understand people, for the most part. I prefer to spend my time with animals. People play games... the games people play. The need to be right, the need to spread their ego around, judge everyone's actions. This common way of reacting to life wears me out. People wear me out. I'm a very simple person with a complicated life. Watching things grow reconnects me with my soul and my connection with Earth, everyone and everything. It brings me to being in the moment, to stare at the beauty in life, nature and the cycle of life. People I know die, I hear people struggle with loss. I've done my share of struggling with loss of a loved one, the hole they leave in your soul, the permance of death.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. It's Mother's Day and I'm spending time alone, at home, enjoying my dogs and parrots. My partner and our friend who we have allowed to live with us are gone visiting our friend's mom and family. Last night partner and I went to visit her mom and dad and spent some quality time. Mom's Day makes me introspective once again. This day puts into my reality the loss of my mom 4 years ago... 4 days before my birthday. It was sudden and unexpected and it took me a long time to fully absorb her loss.

Life goes on....